Fatherhood comes natural once you try it.
Motherhood comes natural, so why fight it?
Your kids want to grow up to be just like you,
so you’ll find its really quite easy to do.
Everyone has an image in their mind of that one weird homeschool family from back when. They didn't even have a TV! Those dour parents! The girls always wore these frumpy dresses! But then one of the girls got a scholarship and became a Rhodes scholar and is a childless professor of feminist poetry, etc.
This image has been around for a long time. Go back generations and you get
How you going to keep them down on the farm,
After they've seen Paree?
The essential image is the cold war image of the crabbed dour gray lumpish people under Soviet rule tossing it all over for rock'n'roll and blue jeans.
To the extent that was true then, its true no longer. No trend goes on forever. Straight line extrapolations are false.
We are getting much, much better at raising our kids against the cultural currents, and increasingly the fun and vitality is all on our side. The culture is still a behemoth but it faces diminishing marginal returns, is as tired as can be, and is no longer able to hide its pathologies. Sick, weary, and futile is no kind of a selling point.
If you are the sort who needs generalized data to believe what you see around you, look at the data on the inheritability of political opinions (using politics as a stand-in for general world view), on the political shifts in the rising generation (again, using politics as a stand-in for general world view), or the way trends in politics or religiosity are distorted by the children of immigrants who have not yet undergone the boiling off process that native Americans have. Or look at the Amish as a case study: their boiling off rate has dropped dramatically over the years. Either the general culture is becoming less attractive or over time sub-cultures get better at keeping their heading, or both.
We also offer our own experience. We are all raising our children successfully more or less counterculturally. Some of us have gotten them all the way to adulthood. Some of us are second or even third generation. Children like being in a successful family.
What we have to say to you is, it's easy.
There is one key. A mental shift that must occur. Without it, the job is very difficult. You will likely fail. With it, it's easy. That mental shift is, you have to be willing to be "weird." Raising your children to be happy and healthy and to aspire to a happy, healthy family of their own is easy if you start with a clean sheet design. But you can't stay afloat on top of the currents of an ailing culture if you are trying to be reasonable in that ailing culture's terms. As a great new book puts it, you have to be willing to be weird.
You have to have no fear of being weird. Weird is not a label that controls you. Don't seek out the label, sure. That is one of the mistakes the older generation of family founders made. But don't fear it. Be health-oriented and goal-oriented, not consensus oriented. Out on the edges of the herd is where the good grass is.
The good news is, once you begin with the end in mind, its easy. You were built to be a loving authority. Paternalism is in your genes. When you hit on the right methods, they will just click into place. Your children were built to love you and look up to you and obey you. Teenagers are naturally pleasant and compliant. People are made to embrace a local family identity and be fiercely proud of it. Biology and human nature and deep heritage are all on your side. It’s an unlocked, unlatched door. You just have to give a gentle push.
If you have concerns, hit us up.
One issue we sometimes run across is a concern that effective parenting these days probably requires being loving and close and intimate to your children (and spouse, obviously) and that for introvert loner types that sounds awful.
Is it necessary? Almost certainly. At one time a more distant model of parenting seemed to work, especially for fathers. Even then it had its downsides. But at that time, the parents were also not facing such strong headcurrents from an ailing culture. We do not think that this model of fatherhood is viable now. We don't want to discourage anyone from experimenting if you think you can pull off something unique. We need more uniqueness. Perhaps it is possible to be less hands-on and huggy if you can offer a sufficiently powerful and appealing vision or unique structure. But for nearly everyone else, love is the super power that will make your family project work.
Is it awful for introverted loner types? No. Scott Alexander once said that he thoughted he hated tribalism until he discovered his own tribe. You are founding your own tribe. Don't me surprised if sometimes your family drives you to distraction but sometimes makes you mad with delight. You were made for happiness and if the world around you doesn't seem to fit you very well, there is a good chance that it is the world around you that is broken, not you.
One thing to keep in mind is that there are different ways of being a present father suitable for every temperament. We have families that go to all the kids' games. We have families that don't. We have highly structured families. We have carefree improvisatory families. We have tight-knit somewhat insular families. We have "third-place" families in community neighborhoods with other kids where the parents let the kids run around on their own a lot. We have host families and families that spend all their time at the pool. We have dads whose children fondly remember working on the place because that is when Dad connected with you by telling you all the things he felt deeply and personally about: mainly history and political science.
There are two myths that need dispelling. The first myth is the buddy myth. Playing a close, warm role in your family doesn't require that you be the children's buddy. If anything, being the buddy is a detriment.
The second myth is that time together has to be interactive. Interaction is good and, yes, necessary. It is not the only way. What will also serve you well is presence, in every sense of the word. If you are there, if who you are structures the felt environment of the home, if they hear your music or your singing or your voice as you talk to someone on the phone, your clack on the keyboard, the pounding of your hammer, your smell; if you are there reading and look up to see them from time to time; then you are present. The way a tall tower is present throughout the landscape all around it, everywhere from where it can be seen. Prioritize taking up space in your children's lives. Whatever kind of tower you are, be that tower. Let your preferences structure their lives. They want this and need this.
For reference:
The first two transmission below on how it is easy. The last two are a couple of ways of not being weird that you should avoid.
The saddest thing to me is seeing people who agree with these sentiments, hate current popular culture, and put their kids in public schools.
Taking action is necessary - you don’t have to homeschool but there are plenty of alternative schools out there.
My husband and I prioritized finding remote work so we could move to wherever we believed was the best alternative school for our kids. At this time we can’t fully homeschool because we need the extra income. It took extra effort up front, but the long term benefits to our family health are priceless.
We also wanted remote work for its flexibility so we could maintain presence as mentioned on this article.
Thanks for sharing.
Excellent words of wisdom. I think the main things popular culture has going for it is, as you say, not the fun or the excitement or anything good but simple inertia and addiction. And the more full one's own life is the more unappealing the mainstream one is. And thank you for the book recommendation.