Maybe you’ll invent a model that’s new
But the way others have done it should work for you
Your big family costs money. You can afford it but you have to plan on how to do it.
Models for Big Families in Modern America
Everyone ends up having less kids than they want. Lack of planning, delays, expense, fatigue.
Here are the models for successful big families that we have seen. Some of them overlap.
Second Incomes are Expensive
Most second-income jobs are not worth the costs if you have lots of kids. Daycare and housing eat its up.
With an average yearly cost of $10,000, even if you only have 4 kids Mom’s second income is mostly gone. In addition, still leading a quality and rewarding family existence means a maid service of some kind so Mom and Dad aren’t always about to drop from fatigue, and a great deal of effort and expense to not just be eating packaged meals and non-rewarding and un-nutritious packaged foods. Housing also gets more expensive as neighborhood quality becomes more of an issue.
The usual solution is just to stop having kids, desperately hoping that something will change somehow sometime until the couple ends up with fewer kids than they wanted.
Even where the family pulls it off, the extirpatory event is often just postponed a generation because the children are raised by public schools and social media and because most of the rewarding parts of the family life become things like packaged vacations or watching entertainment, which have low identity-formation value.
The double-income no-kids (DINK) lifestyle is easy to pull off. It takes no effort and no planning to die alone. The double-income large-family (DILF) lifestyle is more challenging and most people shouldn’t try to pull it off. Ironically, the first step for most people in affording a large family is for Mom to quit her job.
But some people can be DILFs.
Two High Earners (or Expat)
If Mom and Dad both make very nice UMC incomes, both six figures and depending on the area comfortably north of $100k apiece, then another option opens up. Nannies. Au-pairs. Definitely a maid service and possibly even a maid. And so forth.
The same options become available at lesser (US) income levels if the family can earn those lesser US income levels in countries where servants are affordable. For couples with portable jobs who lack tight-knit family or affiliation networks in the United States, give this option real consideration.
Managing servants is a lifestyle shift. For most successful DILFs it is a necessary one.
If you cannot afford at least an au pair, the DILF lifestyle may not be for you.
Having at least one of the two jobs be somewhat flexible, make-workish, or involve teleworking is also close to being a necessity.
Successful high-income DILFs have four things to keep in mind.
1. Psychologically and anthropologically, servants can count as part of the household so their work can still contribute to identity formation. But only if you treat them as part of the household in some way. Some element of paternal care is necessary.
2. A larger household income usually creates consumption expectations. Resist them. Those consumption expectations are driven by people who have fewer kids than they want. Budget for the conditions that make the large family possible first, and then treat your consumption expectations accordingly.
3. DILF families still need to focus on household production in at least one area. Pick something and focus on it. Since the children are left to au-pairs much of the time, the family also needs to make very conscious and committed efforts to inculturate the children in the family ethos and identity.
4. “Good” schools and private schools are in no way superior to random public schools when it comes to not polluting your children’s formation. Schooling decisions have to be made very consciously with the mindset that you are homeschooling even if you use some schools as part of your education toolset. You may have to get creative. There are no obvious default strategies.
A lot of that looks uncomfortable. It doesn’t look like you can have it all if the two of you make enough money. Correct. The DILF-lifestyle doesn’t mean you can avoid being “weird.” You have to be weird at any income. You can either be normal or you can have grandkids.
Two-Income Extended Network
Another viable DILF model involves drawing on an extended network, usually a full multi-generational family or a small tight-knit religious community. While there are still downsides to both Dad and Mom having full-time work commitments, the extended network can make the DILF-lifestyle possible. There are relatives who live in the home and help out, especially with the kids. Or there is a nearby relative or network member who runs an informal daycare. These people are values-aligned and reinforce an extended network identity.
This concept becomes much more challenging if the extended-network identity is not pro-family and pro-natalist.
If this option is not fully available for you, it can still be an option you are setting up your children to have. Being available as a grandparent can make a world of difference.
Brazenly Abuse Family Leave
For DILFs, it usually makes sense for one parent, usually the mother, to brazenly abuse family leave. Yes, it will at least temporarily stall that parent’s career. That’s what the other parent is for. So take the full amount to which you are entitled. Request accommodations. You have some obligations to your employer but not at the expense of even one child. Employers like to brag about their generous leave programs but then frown at paying the bill when it comes due. Tough. Make them eat it.
Single Income
The problem with single income models is that all the double income couples with fewer children than they want have bid up the cost of housing especially in areas with good schools.
So, is it possible to be Single-Income Lots of Kids (SILK)?
No problem.
Be a SILK on any income.
Homeschool
Homeschooling means you are no longer tied to good schools. There are a number of modest housing options in working class or older neighborhoods all over the country that are not crime-ridden ghettos. Or out in the country or the ex-ex-exurbs. The schools aren’t great though. So homeschool.
If you are afraid that being in such a school district will lock you in to full-time homeschooling, take heart. Even mediocre or bad schools usually work well enough for intelligent children with involved parents. You need to be concerned about if the school is so bad that the inmates are attacking each other, or if the teachers and administrators are fanatic ideologues. Education quality can still be a concern but it is not a dealbreaker.
Some states are now offering vouchers for homeschooling.
Small House Big House
The small-home hipster craze has brought some of the space saving technology of RVs into residential homes.
(The original RV)
The insight here is that you can use the same space-saving technology in a medium sized home. If space-saving techniques and appliances can make a tiny home into the equivalent of a small home, they can also make a small home into a medium home and a medium home into a big one.
Smaller bathrooms, wallbeds, elevated beds with desk space underneath, lots of shelving, storage systems, storable furnitute or bedding options …. Most of these are not cheap and some of them will require customized builds that will cost you more than their regular equivalents. They will also potentially lower your home value. But if you run the numbers you still may find that the extra $200,000 for moving from a 1500-sq. ft. home in an older neighborhood to a 2000-sq. ft. home in a newer neighborhood is a worse option for you than spending $20,000 to refit your house.
We know more than one family that has converted one normal size bathroom into two small ones, or has used portable paneling and monster bunkbeds to multiply bedroom space, and yet somehow their children are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.
If a Manhattan family can fit two adults and one child into a 500 sq. ft. apartment with no yard, you can have a big family in moderately-sized home with a yard.
Trading Money for Space
The same general concept that space is expensive and sometimes it is better to spend money to save space can also apply to tools, clothes, holiday fixtures, and so on. We are generally strong advocates of hand-me-downs, home production, buying in bulk, and other time-tested big family methods. These all take up space however. In areas where housing costs are very high, you may want to reverse the normal strategy and prioritize having very limited stuff on hand. It could be certainly be cheaper to have only a few clothing items frequently purchased than to buy a larger home with larger closet space.
Even in less expensive areas, exurban storage spaces are usually a cheaper option for seasonal clothes, vacation toys, and holiday supplies than upgrading the home size.
Discipline and Order
The amount of space you need per child is not a fixed quantity. Discipline and order can make a small home very livable. Chaos makes a big sprawling house feel cramped. Dad needs to be involved in setting the rules and expectations and in enforcing them. A certain amount of regimentation is good.
Read Cheaper by the Dozen, watch Yours, Mine, and Ours, or visit an old military post with reenactments to inspire the children. Literally get a bugle or a bosun’s whistle.
Social Assistance
Many couples from middle class backgrounds are completely unaware of the vast array of resources available to supplement incomes especially for younger families. Your internet research about what the laws say you should be entitled to is nothing like what you can actually get. Each welfare office has its own ideas about who it helps, which often differs markedly from official guidelines. The best thing to do is ask. Look up various programs, such as SNAP, WIC, Medicaid, and so on, and go to their offices (Mom is best for this). Just ask. Ask when you meet the Ob-gyn. Ask at the hospital.
Ask and you shall receive.
Part-time Work and Side Hustles for Mom
We won’t belabor this because it has been addressed so often. While it is very difficult and expensive two have two-earners with full time careers, part-time jobs and side hustles often work very well. The ideal set-up is a family business where Mom helps out as the household needs allow.